Recently, a few of my girlfriends have begun blind-dating and seeking out their husbands courageously. Their goal is to simply get to know people, go out on a limb, have fun, and broaden their friend-groups. If something comes of it, great–if not, great.
I think it’s amazing and admirable and takes tatas.
Meanwhile, I’ve realized there are two “F” words that reign in my heart and life.
The first, I’ve realized, is this habitual motion of sinking back in fear.
Fear of rejection.
Fear of failed relationships.
Fear of perpetual dating into my 30’s without finding my husband.
The second, which is a bit less easily detected, is the epidemic of a fleeting heart.
I happen to work in a very fluid, transient environment where new faces are the norm on any given Monday morning. I’m part of a Body that is comprised of 75% women, so when the new faces are male faces, it’s safe to say we all take notice.
More than just notice, we let our hearts instantaneously go to the place of writing the stories I mentioned in part one of this blog-series.
We freeze-up, and sometimes think, “what if that’s him?”
Yet, in the midst of it all, cynicism and doubt pervasive, God has revealed the real root issue lending fear and a fleeting heart the momentum they need to rule and reign in my life:
The issue here is I don’t fully trust Him like I say I do.
Instead of wanting to be honest and open with my girlfriends about my crush, I hide it, sitting on it as if it’s an egg in a nest, a little secret to grow and nourish with my wild stories. I lock it up and throw away the key, and as soon as I find out another girl has feelings for the same egg I’ve been so patiently sitting on, my feathers get ruffled, and I wallow for weeks, months, a whole year, even. I stop utilizing my gifts. I forfeit ministry opportunities. I bow out.
And instead of praying for the man who has my attention, for his intimacy with Christ to deepen, his gifts and talents to be used for the Kingdom, his home life and family issues to find resolve, I selfishly pray that he won’t leave and follow where God is calling him, so I can keep him all to myself.
So at the end of the day, because of my choices to live in fear and allow my prone-to-wander heart, I’m left standing at the altar of my disappointments.
But I’m beginning to see it’s my doing.
I have no one to blame but myself.
I’ve never not had to share the feelings I feel for a guy with another girl who feels the same.
I’ve never not had to fight for the affections of a boyfriend, whose attention was divided a number of different directions.
I’ve never been up-front and honest about how I feel for a guy straight to his face, but instead I’ve kept it to myself, and watched it fizzle out because I couldn’t just say where I was emotionally, honoring him as a Sister by simply having a mature conversation, putting myself out there, regardless of how things ended up.
I’ve been a Samaritan, secretive and legalistic in all I do.
I’ve entertained “husbands” for years because I didn’t know how to put myself on the map with the courage it takes to truly know who I am and what I’m capable of.
Just last week, during our Monday morning worship at work, a man within our community whom I’ve not yet met humbled himself by coming up in front of everyone to give us a word he had heard loud and clear from God:
My knees grew weak, and I sunk to the floor, leaning against the vending machine as I knew His words were straight from the heart of Jesus to my water-fetching, thirsty heart.
At 27 years of age, I still don’t know much.
But I’m learning.
I’m learning it’s time to trust Him, because He is trustworthy.
He knows our deepest desires by calling them out, and it’s no one else’s job but our own to take back all the enemy has stolen. And even if I’m not actively searching for my husband, my heart is still fleeting and fluttering all over the place, which is the same thing, except it’s the unhealthy version.
It’s more-than-okay to long for him…
But not before I long for my Heavenly Groom.
So, will you pray for me in this?
In my moments of weakness, pray I march my soul straight to the Well that does not run dry.
Pray I would hold fast to my desires, and not let them be squandered by cynicism and lust.
And pray for my future husband, because he’s going to be the best of the best, and God has spoken:
It will be worth it in the end.